Understanding body language

Body movements indicate things about another person that may have great importance for creating communication or give you reasons to avoid it, say Peter Urs Bender and Robert Tracz

We all have certain specific behavioural tendencies. That’s not to say we’re pigeonholed into being one thing or another. We are not locked into these tendencies-but more times than not, we tend to behave the same way again and again. Why? By default, we return to what we feel is safe and comfortable.

Often we ask ourselves, “ Why did he say that?”, “Why did he do that?”, or “Who does he think he is?” These questions might be rephrased as, “Why did you say that?”, “Why did you do that?” and Who do you think you are?” Each of us is different. Fortunately we are predictably different and our differences make us simultaneously attractive and frustrating to others.

The secret of persuasion is to understand yourself and others. Then you can adapt effectively to the needs of the person and the situation. Information is power, but it’s only powerful if you know how to obtain and use it.

David Golman, author of Emotional Intelligence, defined “EQ” as an ability to understand one’s own feelings and to express empathy for the feelings of others. His studies showed that EQ is four times more likely than IQ to indicate your level of success. According to Golman, the communication skills responsible for EQ are:

• Empathy
• Graciousness
• The ability to read others

Since ancient times, humankind has attempted to read others and explain the reason for their differences. Credible personality models have been traced back as the writings of Hippocrates, Aristotle, and Galen for a comparison of the better-known personality profiles.

The ability to influence others is dependent on the degree of willingness you and your partner wish to exercise in being co-operative and getting along. The greater your ability to adapt to your partner’s behaviour and to communicate in his language, the more receptive he will be to you and the greater your chance of success will be.

The key to influencing others lies in your ability to present your needs in terms of meeting their needs, and in wording your proposal in a way that is most receptive and understandable to them. In short, we want benefits spelled out for us in our own language. We want these benefits in a way that we can understand, so that we can put them to good use.

If you want to influence someone, you have to do the work of delivering your message in the receiver’s behavioural language. You must design your presentations to meet his needs so he can immediately see the benefits.

To sum up:

• You have a preferred behavioural pattern.
• You also have the ability to modify it to suit the situation and environment.
• The ability makes you uniquely gifted and tremendously effective as a communicator.

Body Clues

You can use body clues to predict a whole range of actions. Body movements indicate things about another person that may have great importance for creating communication or give you reasons to avoid it.

Here are a few easy-to-spot characteristics that can help you determine whether it’s wise to continue your present course of action.

Readiness and enthusiasm

When people are ready to take action, they’ll often sit forward inn their seats or stand with their hands on their hips. They are anxious to get going. They will stand or sit in an erect position.

They are alert, with wide, bright eyes. Their body motions are alive and animated. Their words can’t keep up with their hands. When you see these signs, get going-because they’re ready.

Frustration

Most of us are familiar with these signs. How many times a day do you see some of these gestures: hand-wringing, running fingers through hair, clenching hands or jaw, an exasperated sigh, or tension in the small muscles of the face? If you see these signs in others retreat before approaching with any request!

Superiority

People who feel superior to you often appear relaxed, with their hands clasped behind their heads or backs. The chin and head is often held high. They may lean back in their chairs, or lean their bodies against a wall, table or desk. When someone behaves this way it’s important for you to control your emotions, apply your communication skills and focus on the issues on hand.

Boredom

Bored people tap their fingers or feet. They’re often pre-occupied with personal grooming or other insignificant details, such as sharpening a pencil. They will also point their bodies to the door, and often check their watches. Often asking a question or stating your observation of their behaviours will involve them in the conversation.

Nervousness

Nervous people cover their mouths when they speak. Their voices are often high and may even break. Their speech is hesitant, and they use “ums” and “ahs” incessantly. They may clear their throats and wring their hands while looking down at their shoes. You may also see their facial muscles twitching as they shift back and forth on their feet.

It’s important for you to create a safe environment for them to speak, to maintain rapport and to be patient and encouraging.

Body language

“A hint taken, a book understood, conveys the gist of long and delicate explanation... In the closest of all relations—that of a love well-founded and equally shared—speech is half discarded.” So says the novelist Robert Louis Stevenson. He is emphasising that we need to hear with our eyes, not just with our ears.

Body language is the major key to understanding and while it’s important to observe it in others, these same signs transmit messages about us.

One caution-several supportive gestures are a more reliable indicator than a single gesture.

Eyes

The eyes, according to Leonardo da Vinci, are the “mirror to the soul.”

• Confident eye contact shows trustworthiness and truthfulness.
• Shifty eyes indicate aloofness and distrust.
• In North America, two to six seconds is considered normal contact (with increasing cultural diversity, we need to become more comfortable with more and less eye contact).
• If someone won’t maintain eye contact it may mean they are uncomfortable with either you or the topic.
• Intent staring is considered aggressive.
• Maintaining eye contact marks us as confident, credible and connected.
• Related indicators include raising the eyebrows in disbelief, scrunching the face (as in frowning), and winking.

Posture

Posture both reflects and affects how we feel.

• Sloppy posture occurs when we’re too loose.
• If we’re too stiff, we appear tense and stressed.
• Crossed legs may signal disagreement and self-protection.
• When we’re withdrawn and holding our heads down, we appear weak, indecisive, and lacking in confidence.
• With a confident posture, our heads are up and we’re sitting and standing erect.
• Develop a confident, brisk walk, with freely swinging arms. As a self-assured person moves with purpose.

Hands and arms

Our hands and arms say a lot about us. Gestures are sometimes deliberate, but most often they occur unconsciously and naturally. If we’re stuck for words, our gestures become more animated, as if to replace missing words and express things that words seem incapable of expressing.

• Arms across the chest indicate that we’re protecting ourselves or we’re cold.
• Open hands and arms, especially extended, indicate importance.
• Hands with palms up in front of the body at chest height indicate importance.
• The same gesture to the sides of the chest signals frustration or helplessness.
• A pointing finger or a hand waving above the shoulders emphasises a point.
• Two hands above the head signals victory.
• Hands to the mouth might indicate that we’re hiding something.
• Fidgeting with our hands? We might be sending the message that we’re nervous.
• Hands clasped behind the lower back may indicate security and confidence.
• Hands in front of the groin area could be defensive or protective.
• Shrugging our shoulders may be interpreted as not caring about the meaning of the message being sent.
• Gestures around the face are considered defensive, much like a boxer with hands raised to ward off blows.
• Tightly clenched hands indicate anger or tension.
• Rubbing the ear might be sign of doubt.
• Rubbing the back of the neck could indicate frustration.
• Resting hands on the chin and allowing eyelids to droop indicates boredom or tiredness.
• Stroking the chin indicates contemplation or thought.
• Sitting back in a relaxed position with fingers steepled indicates self-assurance.