Discover the power of perception

Perceptions are critical. Great communicators understand that perceptions are powerful, and they use this knowledge to their advantage, note Peter Urs Bender and Robert Tracz

When you deal with another person, you must have a genuine desire and willingness to get along, no matter what. How you feel about your partner is determined by what you believe about that person. The opposite is true. You need to create the feeling that you’re positive, committed to working together and flexible. Present yourself as relaxed, personable and confident.

To get yourself into the right attitude, it helps to

• Movemotion changes emotion
• Read or think of affirmative statements (positive self-talk)
• Listen to some good music
• Listen to positive motivating tapes
• Use any device that works to coax yourself into concentration
• Imagine how you would feel if you were about to meet an old friend

Get yourself into a state where you are:

• Demonstrating concern and compassion
• Consistent in thoughts, words and actions
• Confident enough to be vulnerable
• Able to put a positive twist of difficulties

Perceptions are critical. Great communicators understand that perceptions are powerful, and they use this knowledge to their advantage. If you perceive yourself in a positive fashion, you will project that way, and others will react to you the same way. If you project a negative attitude, they’ll react to you that way, too.

How do you create the right perceptions? Whenever you go into a meeting, see yourself as being tops in your fieldno matter what that field is. If you’re a singer, see yourself as singing like Kiri Te Kanawa or Luciano Pavarotti. If you’re painter, see yourself as Georgia O’Keeffe or Pablo Picasso. See the world in line wanting to buy your paintings.

If you’re a salesperson, think you’re selling three times quota and you have job offers from all over. If you get the feeling of being good, you’ll start to react that waynot aggressive, but confident, in focus and aligned.

Your goal is to connect with your partner so the two of you can better understand each other. The time to evaluate comes later. Evaluate what’s said, not the person saying it.

Your partner deserves your respect, even if you disagree with his or her ideas. To connect, you must give your partner benefit of the doubt.

Attitude rules

Aptitude is your inherent ability to do something if you’re trained. Skill results from training and practice. Attitude is the desire to do it. When your attitude is poor, no amount of skill or aptitude can help. Attitude can and will make the difference. Effective communicators are optimistic and confident they can’t fall.

Assumptions

Assumptions will block understanding every time. All assumptions need to be shared between you and your partner to improve understanding. When you’re the least bit doubtful, assuming understanding is dangerous. Why not buy time and clarify what someone means, especially if it’s a stressful situation? Here’s how to go about it:

• Breatheyou need the oxygen.
• Maintain eye contact.
• Ask for clarification“What do you mean?”this buys time to think and provides you with more information.
• Listen carefully and respond briefly to your partner’s main concern.
• Remain silent as you wait for your partner’s response.

What kinds of assumptions should we look for?

Assumptions about your own knowledge and flexibility: They can lead to ultimatums and finality, e.g., “I’m the expert!”. Listen for new and creative ideas. They can come from anyone at any time.

Assumptions about the listener’s responses and feelings: By assuming how someone may act or feel, you close your mind to how they do act or feel. In effect, you will find evidence to support what you expect to find, and selectively eliminate other information.

Assumptions about communication skills: One of the biggest assumptions is that if you can hear, you can listen, and if you can speak, you can communicate. That creates the expectation that your partner understands the words you use, that no feedback is required, and that attitudes and the way in which something is said aren’t important.

Assumptions about people or the environment: Some common examples” I couldn’t make a difference,” or “I’m only one person,” or “ Nothing ever changes around here,” or “Everyone does it”. You’ve heard them allmaybe even from yourself.

Attention

Paying attention is an important part of the heart approach to active listening. The “A” in Heart stands for ask questions and attend. Paying attention is not only polite, it’s the way to get what you need from your conversation partner.

Be there mentally and physically. Vocalization, facial gestures and body language are all ways in which you can focus using non-verbal communication.

Vocalisation includes words (“Oh really?”, “Is that so?”), non-words and silence. They may not seem very potent, but they are excellent ways to demonstrate to your partner that you’re listening and aware of the message.

Your most important facial gestures are eye contact and smiling. Both should feel and look natural. Try to be comfortable with silence, and give your partner the mental space that she or he needs to think.

Body language also needs to be comfortable and relaxed. Your gestures should be reflective of your partner’s. Using gestures that support and encourage him or her will also contribute to understanding.

One of the best ways of remembering how to “attend” is to use the SOFTENERS mnemonic.

Smileoccasionally and appropriately.
Open you body postureface your partner.
Forward leantoward your partner.
Touchbe careful.
Eye contacttwo to six seconds is the average range.
Noddingand other actions that show you are listening.
Encourageask questions, use supportive vocalisations.
Reframeask yourself, “How would I feel if that was me?”
Spaceabout three feet.

Paying attention will invite your partner to participate fully in the conversation. See SOFTENERS for more on this positive approach.

Auditory words

Different types of people express themselves in, and respond to, different types of words, depending on the way they perceive the world around them. Auditory people relate to the world through their ears. We have difficulty communicating because we don’t listen to what’s important and often don’t say what’s necessary.

Think about someone you know very well. If you asked her, “Do you understand what I said?” in which way would she reply? “I see what you mean. It looks easy.” “I’ve got a good grasp of the details. Let’s get going.” Or, “I hear you, sounds good.”

If this person would respond the last way, then her response is auditory. By choosing auditory words for auditory people, you help them more readily interpret what you’re saying. Your response might be, “Well if it sounds good, let’s stop talking and start doing.”

Use the right sense while communicating. “ You aren’t listening to me!” exclaimed my friend. The customer service rep said, “What I heard you say was...”. The service rep communicated clearly through auditory words and the problem was solved.

(Excerpt taken from Secrets of Face-to-Face Communication by Peter Urs Bender & Robert A Tracz, Macmillan India Ltd)